HEAD GAMES!!!!

Head games are so annoying but I must say my husband is the leader of head games. He really know how to play them. Unfortunately I am right on top of them and it makes him so mad. Head game today…..ok I guess you have to know that I love boats. I would live on a boat if I could. My own boat that is! Unfortunately I was not born fortunate enough to live on one but I am 48 years old and time is growing short so I would love to at least own one. I wouldn’t want a hudge one but at least a 25 footer with a cabin. My sister has a 23′ seaway for $8000.00. I wish I could buy it but life hasn’t worked out for me as well as I thought.

This morning my husband gets his skiff out of the woods and I help him get it out. I am slightly excited because he is taking an interest in getting it out and talking about going out on the islands here and exploring. We get it out, put it on the trailer, roll it over and check the damage on it from 5 years of sitting. He says not bad it will only take a few days to fix this. Than he says ” I might even sell it” knowing I really am excited just to go out and have a boat ride. This is an example of the head games he plays with me. Most of them are far worse and have a lasting affect on my life day in and day out. Its like a tease and a ” hah jokes on you” kind of thing. Its like he is waiting for my balloon to burst and it makes him happy to see that happen.

The reason I know this is because you can see the joy on his face as soon as I get upset. The joy in his life is making me his door matt. Day by day it wears on me. I resent him on a minute by minute basis. On a good day I am patiently waiting for something to go wrong. I myself love to see people happy. Life is more rewarding  when you give as much as you can and love as  much as you can. I don’t understand why someone would get pleasure out of my misery. Its just sick to think about.

He has mama issues and he has no father. His mother ignored him and treated his brother better than him. His mother also became a lesbian in which is another reason why he resents her . He does not even know his dad. He has been divorced 3 times and taken down by 2 women. One he married twice. He does not trust anyone. He has no character, values or morals. He talks like a back woods hick. All this I have slowly learned about him over time. There are so many stories I could tell you. He often refers to African Americans as the “N” word. ugh…I could tell your stories.

I was raised in a different generation. One of diversity and world peace. I am college educated and can speak real English. I am from Maine so I do have an accent but its just from hanging around this hick I have for a husband. He is creature from another time. I ask myself all the time what I see in this miserable dark creature of a human being. Is it because I think I can help him or change him?

At first I thought how refreshing,an old fashioned man, an older man, and a mature man. Joke was on me. I chose a man that acts like a 5 year old. Instead of throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old he insults me and anyone else he can think of until he feels better. Empty threats fill the air so he can get his way. Here come those mama issues lighting the way in his life and anyone who dares to gets his path should be ready for him to try to drive you out of his life on a regular basis.

I think he has two personalities. One of them makes his eyes look different. It is like looking at another person in him. I cringe every time I see it. It’s like I’m staring at satin himself. Whenever his eyes look this way he is especially spiteful and hateful for no reason. It just happens out of the blue. There is preparing for it. It is ugly! So many thoughts run through my head when he is like this.

In my mind I am trying to figure out what triggers it and trying to diagnose it. There are so many metal illnesses. I have seen so many different symptoms of different illnesses its hard to figure out. He was a heavy drinker for a lot of years. He is afraid of everyone in person but behind their backs he talks about how he is going to hurt a person or even kill them to get back at them. He is all talk and no action…thank god.

It’s just hard to see a person you love be like this. Its hard to hate a person who has a mental illness. My daughter is bi-polar and I know how hard life is for her and me. There are some days I do feel hate for him. Love and hate walk a fine line in this relationship. At the beginning of our relationship I had hope we would get help for him. I see now that he never had any intention of getting help and does not think anything is wrong with him so unfortunately I just have to walk away and I mean forever this time. This time I know when I leave it will be our last everything. Ugh….obviously I wont miss this bad stuff and I will miss the good stuff. I will worry about him the whole time I am gone. Why do I care about someone who gets pleasure from my misery????

F#@$ LOVE!!!

This past week has been insane. Lots of empty threats and jealousy issues. Why do people take their past relationships out on their current relationships. My theory is that when people bully you they do because they are insecure and the things they say are just their perspective about what they would do or are thinking. In other words…what they say your doing they have done , are doing or are thinking about. I am not good at explaining this but I hope you understand what I am trying to say. It is not even funny when this happens. It sucks like torture. Sometimes I get tattoos just to feel the pain because it helps take away the pain on the inside. Its almost like aahhhhh that’s better. I have heard other people say that and never understood until I discovered tattoos.

I am so faithful to my relationship and wouldn’t even be able to come up with some of the things that are directed at me if I tried. I call it creative thinking on his part.  My current advice to a bully is get some counseling or shoot yourself.  Bully’s do lots of long term damage to the ones they love. I have never known a person that can wind me up so much and bring out the worst in me. I am a people lover by choice and lately I am becoming someone I don’t know. Why am I still holding hope??? Love???  what makes me stay??? I have tried to leave several times but my bully cries and begs and makes empty promises.

The last two days have been great. We have been getting along and doing things together. This behavior from him gives me hope…..hope that this relationship will get better. When this happens everything gets better and just when I think things are going well and I start to relax…..SLAM!!!!!!  I walk through the door and the bully returns and the cycle starts all over again. It is a cycle…a cycle of insanity that I put myself through again and again. The merry-go-round is spinning around and I cant get off 😦 😦

I know why I cant get off!  When the merry go round is good it is sooooo… good and I am in heaven. I cant imagine myself ever feeling that good and that attracted to anyone else. I would always compare this attraction I have with him if I tried to date and end up an old maid. I do like cats. Maybe a cat lady!  It is a very unhealthy attraction and one that my body can not live without at this moment in my life. My body says yes and my mind knows better. Is this worth dying early aging to fast, and getting frown lines???  Stress can bring on cancer, heart attacks, depression and so much more. Is it worth taking medication to stay sane everyday? Right now my body is saying yes but my mind is saying your f…..ing crazy!!!! Get Off the Merry-go-round!!!! Its a constant battle of fooling myself.

There must be more to life than this!

I am writing this blog because I am 48 years old and I am stuck. Stuck as in: stuck in life. I ask myself everyday who am I being that things that I want in life are not happening. I am a good mom, my kids come first we have all been through a lot together.

My main concern being my choice of relationships with men and why I choose the wrong one every time. If someone good came along I wouldn’t know what to do. I feel like I am putting my kids through as much pain as I am going through, maybe even more. I understand that some would say that deep down inside I feel like I am not good enough and really I don’t feel that way at all.

I put the name I’m not a sissy because I have gone through so much in the last 5 years that even I’m surprised that I am not wearing a straight jacket ! What makes me stay in relationships that are not good for me??? This is something important  about myself I want to learn. I am on a journey to a new understanding of why I cant be successful at relationships but can be very successful in my career, with my family and my friends?  How can I be so strong and yet so weak?

I have a wonderful family and lots of support from my friends. A few friends that really care for me no matter what I choose to do in my life. Especially my mom who is there for me unconditionally.

Time for me to step up to the plate and do what I want to do before my life passes me by. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I am starting my journey by trying to figure out what fear holds me here. Fear of rejection, insecurity???  All I know is if mama’s happy everyone’s happy…right ? My journey to happiness begins with me….I need to dig myself out of this hole I have put myself in. Talking about it will help me and of course I welcome support. I will do this by looking back and trying to understand why I made these choices.