F#@$ LOVE!!!

This past week has been insane. Lots of empty threats and jealousy issues. Why do people take their past relationships out on their current relationships. My theory is that when people bully you they do because they are insecure and the things they say are just their perspective about what they would do or are thinking. In other words…what they say your doing they have done , are doing or are thinking about. I am not good at explaining this but I hope you understand what I am trying to say. It is not even funny when this happens. It sucks like torture. Sometimes I get tattoos just to feel the pain because it helps take away the pain on the inside. Its almost like aahhhhh that’s better. I have heard other people say that and never understood until I discovered tattoos.

I am so faithful to my relationship and wouldn’t even be able to come up with some of the things that are directed at me if I tried. I call it creative thinking on his part.  My current advice to a bully is get some counseling or shoot yourself.  Bully’s do lots of long term damage to the ones they love. I have never known a person that can wind me up so much and bring out the worst in me. I am a people lover by choice and lately I am becoming someone I don’t know. Why am I still holding hope??? Love???  what makes me stay??? I have tried to leave several times but my bully cries and begs and makes empty promises.

The last two days have been great. We have been getting along and doing things together. This behavior from him gives me hope…..hope that this relationship will get better. When this happens everything gets better and just when I think things are going well and I start to relax…..SLAM!!!!!!  I walk through the door and the bully returns and the cycle starts all over again. It is a cycle…a cycle of insanity that I put myself through again and again. The merry-go-round is spinning around and I cant get off 😦 😦

I know why I cant get off!  When the merry go round is good it is sooooo… good and I am in heaven. I cant imagine myself ever feeling that good and that attracted to anyone else. I would always compare this attraction I have with him if I tried to date and end up an old maid. I do like cats. Maybe a cat lady!  It is a very unhealthy attraction and one that my body can not live without at this moment in my life. My body says yes and my mind knows better. Is this worth dying early aging to fast, and getting frown lines???  Stress can bring on cancer, heart attacks, depression and so much more. Is it worth taking medication to stay sane everyday? Right now my body is saying yes but my mind is saying your f…..ing crazy!!!! Get Off the Merry-go-round!!!! Its a constant battle of fooling myself.

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