In and out!

Since day one when I met my husband, I was head over heals in love. I thought to myself this is real love. Real Chemistry and someone older so I don’t have to worry about him being a cheater or an immature person. He seemed to be the man of my dreams. Our physical relationship was so good that I overlooked a lot of things my gut told me at the very beginning. He fed me some lines about kids being the most important thing and a first priority. He said he didn’t care if I didn’t have a job and wanted me to come live with him and he would take care of me. The  first week me and my kids move into his garage apartment because I wanted them to get to know him slowly. My daughter had a boyfriend that was living with us and I told him he was coming with us. He said that was fine. I had taken this boy in because he was homeless. My daughter became smitten with him from the beginning.

After a year I had pretty much accepted him into our family. He was not doing drugs and was helping out around the house. Helping me with my son by watching him and paying attention to him. They seemed to be two peas in a pod. He even taught him some karate moves.. Life was not easy financially but their was enough love in our home to make everyone happy.In two weeks my now husband had kicked him out of the apartment for no reason and poor Brian went back to the street where he eventually started doing drugs again.

We moved out of our home of 14 years. The kids were very upset but they were excited too. The first few days were great. I stayed with my kids in the apartment at night because I wanted them to know I was there for them and work through this big move.Within 3 days all hell broke loose because my new boyfriend /now husband was jealous of my kids. He was angry because I stayed in the apartment at night with them. I walked into his house and he was in his office smoking a cigg. and drinking a beer. He told me he didn’t drink or smoke. He had me in tears within 15 min. I should have walked out the door that day.

Instead I let him control me more and more till I was feeling insecure about myself and my decisions I had just made. So we moved into the house sooner than we wanted to and made him happy. In the next 4 years we moved out and moved in 4 times. At first I thought he had bipolar and to this day I think its possible but I read this article the other day about narcissist and I read on and on until I couldn’t breath because I now realize this is just what he is . A big break through for me who just sits here and tries to find excuses why I should stay.I love him but its more like a sick love. His head games now make perfect sense to me.

When I first started seeing him he would tell me what a wacko his ex was. He said she was  a drunk and he called her the war department. He would let me listen to the sad messages she left on his answering machine. It was very sad for me to hear these messages. It was gross too. I thought well maybe he just needs to get it all out  so I let him. Now I feel so bad for her because he treats me the same way he was treating her. I was the other woman he had in life while he was with her. I now think he was probably seeing her for the first two years of our relationship. He is very verbally abusive to me and the reason we moved in and out so much.

First I lost my house by beleiving his broken promises he made and my choice to trust him. He told me not to worry. He would keep the house up by making the repairs and we would rend it out. I was so excited that someone wanted  to be a team for once that I believed every word he said. After 3 years and him not helping I lost my house. The house me and my daughter moved into when she was 3 years old and my son lived in until he was 8 was foreclosed on. He did not even care. Now I know it was the first step to him taking everything away from me I owned.

Second he helped me trade my truck in because it was a gas hog and although I still had a year left to pay on it we traded it in for a jeep patriot with good gas mileage and 4 wheel drive. We ended up putting it in his name because he had better credit due to my house. The second thing lost in  my name. Now I am left with household items and furniture. but that’s ok with me because we are engaged and going to get married. After we brought the jeep home we had a falling out and split up because he kept accusing me of cheating on him and being a bad mother. I worked like a dog. I still do. I am ambitious and a hard worker. He said the only reason women go to work is to cheat on their husbands. He also said woman belong in the kitchen and that I was a bad mom for not staying home with the kids. He held the jeep hostage in the garage and locked it up if I didn’t do what he asked. He finally just took it away and made me drive the Honda with no four wheel drive around in the winter months with my kids while he had 2 four wheel drives sitting in the garage. He loved to see me struggle and be uncomfortable.

In the meantime none of friends came to visit. I found out he was talking bad about me with all his friends and  the reason we didn’t go out a lot is because he didn’t want them to know we were together. Despite all these things……our relationship got a little better when I came back the 3rd time and I started to trust him again. He wanted me to come back but I told him I was not coming unless he made it legal. I was tired of giving him everything I had and losing everything I had for nothing . So we got married in Oct. 2014. Since that day he has been 300 percent worse. He never goes out with me or the family. He wont even spend Christmas with us. He wont take me out locally but sometimes takes me out of town. He is constantly accusing me of cheating on him. He is stalking me and I live with him! He stalked me before when I didn’t live with him and we were just staying with each other part time.

Head games is the worse thing he does. He makes promises and never keeps them. He is now stringing me along while he working on his next victim. The other woman who is going to be abused just like me. She will hear from him how bad I am and make her feel sorry for him just like he did me. Than he will abuse her too. Apparently he likes sympathy. He thinks he is god but all he is really is a big B WORD. He nags me constantly and threatens divorce everyday. When I call him on it he wont do it. He changes his mind and changes his story. Its always I love you Tammy BUT!  I think you might get the picture. My poor son is suffering from the stress that is in the air in this house and my daughter feels uncomfortable when she is here.visiting.

I have decided that I have to get out and find a safe place where he cant find us. I have finally lost my give a damn. This took me 4 years of in and out and one year of a horrible marriage. T\I feel like Cinderella before she found her prince, washing up his messes while he abuses me. I wish I had known a long time ago but I kept hoping it would get better. I thought marriage would make him feel more secure. It just made him treat me worse. He is an evil being and I am a positive hard working loving mom. I will not let him take me away from me. I am losing my give a damn more and more everyday and would not wish this on any other woman. I can only hope his next victim is really strong or really smart so she wont stay as long as I did. I am done!!!!

HEAD GAMES!!!!

Head games are so annoying but I must say my husband is the leader of head games. He really know how to play them. Unfortunately I am right on top of them and it makes him so mad. Head game today…..ok I guess you have to know that I love boats. I would live on a boat if I could. My own boat that is! Unfortunately I was not born fortunate enough to live on one but I am 48 years old and time is growing short so I would love to at least own one. I wouldn’t want a hudge one but at least a 25 footer with a cabin. My sister has a 23′ seaway for $8000.00. I wish I could buy it but life hasn’t worked out for me as well as I thought.

This morning my husband gets his skiff out of the woods and I help him get it out. I am slightly excited because he is taking an interest in getting it out and talking about going out on the islands here and exploring. We get it out, put it on the trailer, roll it over and check the damage on it from 5 years of sitting. He says not bad it will only take a few days to fix this. Than he says ” I might even sell it” knowing I really am excited just to go out and have a boat ride. This is an example of the head games he plays with me. Most of them are far worse and have a lasting affect on my life day in and day out. Its like a tease and a ” hah jokes on you” kind of thing. Its like he is waiting for my balloon to burst and it makes him happy to see that happen.

The reason I know this is because you can see the joy on his face as soon as I get upset. The joy in his life is making me his door matt. Day by day it wears on me. I resent him on a minute by minute basis. On a good day I am patiently waiting for something to go wrong. I myself love to see people happy. Life is more rewarding  when you give as much as you can and love as  much as you can. I don’t understand why someone would get pleasure out of my misery. Its just sick to think about.

He has mama issues and he has no father. His mother ignored him and treated his brother better than him. His mother also became a lesbian in which is another reason why he resents her . He does not even know his dad. He has been divorced 3 times and taken down by 2 women. One he married twice. He does not trust anyone. He has no character, values or morals. He talks like a back woods hick. All this I have slowly learned about him over time. There are so many stories I could tell you. He often refers to African Americans as the “N” word. ugh…I could tell your stories.

I was raised in a different generation. One of diversity and world peace. I am college educated and can speak real English. I am from Maine so I do have an accent but its just from hanging around this hick I have for a husband. He is creature from another time. I ask myself all the time what I see in this miserable dark creature of a human being. Is it because I think I can help him or change him?

At first I thought how refreshing,an old fashioned man, an older man, and a mature man. Joke was on me. I chose a man that acts like a 5 year old. Instead of throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old he insults me and anyone else he can think of until he feels better. Empty threats fill the air so he can get his way. Here come those mama issues lighting the way in his life and anyone who dares to gets his path should be ready for him to try to drive you out of his life on a regular basis.

I think he has two personalities. One of them makes his eyes look different. It is like looking at another person in him. I cringe every time I see it. It’s like I’m staring at satin himself. Whenever his eyes look this way he is especially spiteful and hateful for no reason. It just happens out of the blue. There is preparing for it. It is ugly! So many thoughts run through my head when he is like this.

In my mind I am trying to figure out what triggers it and trying to diagnose it. There are so many metal illnesses. I have seen so many different symptoms of different illnesses its hard to figure out. He was a heavy drinker for a lot of years. He is afraid of everyone in person but behind their backs he talks about how he is going to hurt a person or even kill them to get back at them. He is all talk and no action…thank god.

It’s just hard to see a person you love be like this. Its hard to hate a person who has a mental illness. My daughter is bi-polar and I know how hard life is for her and me. There are some days I do feel hate for him. Love and hate walk a fine line in this relationship. At the beginning of our relationship I had hope we would get help for him. I see now that he never had any intention of getting help and does not think anything is wrong with him so unfortunately I just have to walk away and I mean forever this time. This time I know when I leave it will be our last everything. Ugh….obviously I wont miss this bad stuff and I will miss the good stuff. I will worry about him the whole time I am gone. Why do I care about someone who gets pleasure from my misery????

F#@$ LOVE!!!

This past week has been insane. Lots of empty threats and jealousy issues. Why do people take their past relationships out on their current relationships. My theory is that when people bully you they do because they are insecure and the things they say are just their perspective about what they would do or are thinking. In other words…what they say your doing they have done , are doing or are thinking about. I am not good at explaining this but I hope you understand what I am trying to say. It is not even funny when this happens. It sucks like torture. Sometimes I get tattoos just to feel the pain because it helps take away the pain on the inside. Its almost like aahhhhh that’s better. I have heard other people say that and never understood until I discovered tattoos.

I am so faithful to my relationship and wouldn’t even be able to come up with some of the things that are directed at me if I tried. I call it creative thinking on his part.  My current advice to a bully is get some counseling or shoot yourself.  Bully’s do lots of long term damage to the ones they love. I have never known a person that can wind me up so much and bring out the worst in me. I am a people lover by choice and lately I am becoming someone I don’t know. Why am I still holding hope??? Love???  what makes me stay??? I have tried to leave several times but my bully cries and begs and makes empty promises.

The last two days have been great. We have been getting along and doing things together. This behavior from him gives me hope…..hope that this relationship will get better. When this happens everything gets better and just when I think things are going well and I start to relax…..SLAM!!!!!!  I walk through the door and the bully returns and the cycle starts all over again. It is a cycle…a cycle of insanity that I put myself through again and again. The merry-go-round is spinning around and I cant get off 😦 😦

I know why I cant get off!  When the merry go round is good it is sooooo… good and I am in heaven. I cant imagine myself ever feeling that good and that attracted to anyone else. I would always compare this attraction I have with him if I tried to date and end up an old maid. I do like cats. Maybe a cat lady!  It is a very unhealthy attraction and one that my body can not live without at this moment in my life. My body says yes and my mind knows better. Is this worth dying early aging to fast, and getting frown lines???  Stress can bring on cancer, heart attacks, depression and so much more. Is it worth taking medication to stay sane everyday? Right now my body is saying yes but my mind is saying your f…..ing crazy!!!! Get Off the Merry-go-round!!!! Its a constant battle of fooling myself.

There must be more to life than this!

I am writing this blog because I am 48 years old and I am stuck. Stuck as in: stuck in life. I ask myself everyday who am I being that things that I want in life are not happening. I am a good mom, my kids come first we have all been through a lot together.

My main concern being my choice of relationships with men and why I choose the wrong one every time. If someone good came along I wouldn’t know what to do. I feel like I am putting my kids through as much pain as I am going through, maybe even more. I understand that some would say that deep down inside I feel like I am not good enough and really I don’t feel that way at all.

I put the name I’m not a sissy because I have gone through so much in the last 5 years that even I’m surprised that I am not wearing a straight jacket ! What makes me stay in relationships that are not good for me??? This is something important  about myself I want to learn. I am on a journey to a new understanding of why I cant be successful at relationships but can be very successful in my career, with my family and my friends?  How can I be so strong and yet so weak?

I have a wonderful family and lots of support from my friends. A few friends that really care for me no matter what I choose to do in my life. Especially my mom who is there for me unconditionally.

Time for me to step up to the plate and do what I want to do before my life passes me by. I believe that everything happens for a reason. I am starting my journey by trying to figure out what fear holds me here. Fear of rejection, insecurity???  All I know is if mama’s happy everyone’s happy…right ? My journey to happiness begins with me….I need to dig myself out of this hole I have put myself in. Talking about it will help me and of course I welcome support. I will do this by looking back and trying to understand why I made these choices.