HEAD GAMES!!!!

Head games are so annoying but I must say my husband is the leader of head games. He really know how to play them. Unfortunately I am right on top of them and it makes him so mad. Head game today…..ok I guess you have to know that I love boats. I would live on a boat if I could. My own boat that is! Unfortunately I was not born fortunate enough to live on one but I am 48 years old and time is growing short so I would love to at least own one. I wouldn’t want a hudge one but at least a 25 footer with a cabin. My sister has a 23′ seaway for $8000.00. I wish I could buy it but life hasn’t worked out for me as well as I thought.

This morning my husband gets his skiff out of the woods and I help him get it out. I am slightly excited because he is taking an interest in getting it out and talking about going out on the islands here and exploring. We get it out, put it on the trailer, roll it over and check the damage on it from 5 years of sitting. He says not bad it will only take a few days to fix this. Than he says ” I might even sell it” knowing I really am excited just to go out and have a boat ride. This is an example of the head games he plays with me. Most of them are far worse and have a lasting affect on my life day in and day out. Its like a tease and a ” hah jokes on you” kind of thing. Its like he is waiting for my balloon to burst and it makes him happy to see that happen.

The reason I know this is because you can see the joy on his face as soon as I get upset. The joy in his life is making me his door matt. Day by day it wears on me. I resent him on a minute by minute basis. On a good day I am patiently waiting for something to go wrong. I myself love to see people happy. Life is more rewarding  when you give as much as you can and love as  much as you can. I don’t understand why someone would get pleasure out of my misery. Its just sick to think about.

He has mama issues and he has no father. His mother ignored him and treated his brother better than him. His mother also became a lesbian in which is another reason why he resents her . He does not even know his dad. He has been divorced 3 times and taken down by 2 women. One he married twice. He does not trust anyone. He has no character, values or morals. He talks like a back woods hick. All this I have slowly learned about him over time. There are so many stories I could tell you. He often refers to African Americans as the “N” word. ugh…I could tell your stories.

I was raised in a different generation. One of diversity and world peace. I am college educated and can speak real English. I am from Maine so I do have an accent but its just from hanging around this hick I have for a husband. He is creature from another time. I ask myself all the time what I see in this miserable dark creature of a human being. Is it because I think I can help him or change him?

At first I thought how refreshing,an old fashioned man, an older man, and a mature man. Joke was on me. I chose a man that acts like a 5 year old. Instead of throwing a tantrum like a 5 year old he insults me and anyone else he can think of until he feels better. Empty threats fill the air so he can get his way. Here come those mama issues lighting the way in his life and anyone who dares to gets his path should be ready for him to try to drive you out of his life on a regular basis.

I think he has two personalities. One of them makes his eyes look different. It is like looking at another person in him. I cringe every time I see it. It’s like I’m staring at satin himself. Whenever his eyes look this way he is especially spiteful and hateful for no reason. It just happens out of the blue. There is preparing for it. It is ugly! So many thoughts run through my head when he is like this.

In my mind I am trying to figure out what triggers it and trying to diagnose it. There are so many metal illnesses. I have seen so many different symptoms of different illnesses its hard to figure out. He was a heavy drinker for a lot of years. He is afraid of everyone in person but behind their backs he talks about how he is going to hurt a person or even kill them to get back at them. He is all talk and no action…thank god.

It’s just hard to see a person you love be like this. Its hard to hate a person who has a mental illness. My daughter is bi-polar and I know how hard life is for her and me. There are some days I do feel hate for him. Love and hate walk a fine line in this relationship. At the beginning of our relationship I had hope we would get help for him. I see now that he never had any intention of getting help and does not think anything is wrong with him so unfortunately I just have to walk away and I mean forever this time. This time I know when I leave it will be our last everything. Ugh….obviously I wont miss this bad stuff and I will miss the good stuff. I will worry about him the whole time I am gone. Why do I care about someone who gets pleasure from my misery????